Fall seems to be a much better time for contemplation than the barren icyness of January. For me, when a chill reaches the air and the nights come on faster; when the leaves throw their brilliance into the sky one last time before an endless winter sets in, the season allows you to page gently through the thoughts and troubles of the last year and put them away for good.
2009 has been a turning point year for me. That's Turning Point, capitalized, mind. Not a year for Trouble, or a year for Changes, but a year that has made me realize how far I've come, and yet still, how much further I have to go.
What, specifically, brought all this on? Halloween.
Last year I was clinging desperately to the hope that I could make a doomed situation work. In certain situations, I am far more stubborn than I really should be, and I never seem to let go of anything until it is way, way, way past the point of any kind of redemption. So there I was, last Halloween, wanting to find a way to make this family that I had plotted out in my head work. I was buying candy and decorating boxes of treats for the children of a man that I loved so voraciously, beyond all odds, and beyond all good reason. Don't get me wrong, I loved those kids, too. Who wouldn't have? They were bright and sweet, and deserved every good thing. And I wanted to give them a happy Halloween. Halloween, my favorite holiday, that I wanted to share with them. And him. So I spent ridiculous amounts of time and money finding them treats to go in their Halloween goodie bags. I made sure to give them things that they would like, by their own preferences. I spent hours decorating plastic boxes with decals and glitter stickers, because I was loading them up with hope that this crazy thing would work out. I left those boxes with their father, and from what I heard, I guess they liked them. I never got to see, because the wall their father had built between his family and me was so high and impenetrable that no silly boxes of candy were going to knock it down. Not too long after, I was shut out for good.
The reason that I keep thinking back to my sad attempt to pull everything all together last year is because this year could not be more different in comparison, and I kind of want to go back to 2008 Miranda and give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be okay. For while 2009 has been a Turning Point year, it's also been one of my happiest, by far... which is surprising since my favorite aunt died of cancer, and I got diagnosed with a disease I'll carry for the rest of my days.
Getting diagnosed with diabetes this summer has done many things, but one of the things it has done is force me into taking real care of myself, for the first time ever. I have to, or I'll land my ass in a hospital, or even worse. As Andrew and I plan for Halloween, I get the feeling it's going to be a great time, even if I may only be eating a piece or two of candy (and Lord, forget the Pixy Stix, they are history).
I know I couldn't be where I am today without the love and support of my family and friends who never gave up on me, even when I was doing things that were really pretty stupid at the time. I also can't end my thoughts on this without being grateful for Andrew. He too stuck with me as a friend, even when he was getting nothing in return. When I was crying my eyes out when I found out my Aunt Betty had cancer, he was the one who picked up the phone and listened to me drunkenly ramble, not the man I was dating. Time and time again this year, he has responded to every challenge that we have faced as a couple with love, determination, and kindness... and I don't know what I would have done without him. That's why everything has been so different. Andrew has backed up every single word with action. Rather than saying he loves me, he shows me that he does. And he even sat through those awful diabetes education classes, a statement of love if there ever was one.
So while I don't know what 2010 holds for me, I do know this... I won't be doing it alone. And I can't wait to see what the future holds.
m.
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